I’m living my life on pause. It’s as if I do not think myself worthy of more - more than the stress, the threats, the restlessness. But at the same time, this is what I’ve grown accustomed to. Sometimes it strikes me, though, how different my reality perhaps could be. Laying awake, nervous, thinking about that boy I like, instead of about my next-coming appointment. Taking initiative, instead of constant contemplation of the few alternatives which, amazingly enough, still are loyally offered to me. Again and again. To live with me at the steering wheel instead of me as a glum, unenthusiastic co-passenger. I mean, shit. I can’t even plan a month ahead. I don’t even dare to book a trip with my best friend to the city which I’ve dreamed of for as long as I can remember. In any case, I’m thinking that the “solution” to this problem is not to wait until some godly feeling is planted inside of me - because my feelings are not to be trusted. Not in this case, I can’t allow myself the luxury of choice. I must rely on others. On facts, on testimonies, on the opinions of professionals rather than media, friends, family, my own. Decisiveness won’t be served on a silver plate for me. Motivation is not some gust of wind that in a matter of time will swoosh up in my face and make me see things clearly, not just for a moment but for ever. Rationality is the only constant.