It’s funny how I dream about him at night, whereas he probably isn’t even especially aware of my existence. It is also funny that he probably is replacable. It’s the feeling I’m after.
A wise woman recently told me that it seems as if I’m trying to perform my way to harmony. I feel as if my real feelings are covered by a veil of grey clouds. She agreed with me. That is probably what concerns me the most at the moment - my inability and unwillingness to get in touch with unpleasant feelings. If I’ll never expose myself to them, I’ll never have the opportunity to learn how to master them. Now is the time. Now is always the time. Perfection is a fucking sham and although I might appear fine to others, this will not suffice. I can not allow myself to be content with this, because I know it in every fiber of my being that it will not last. I may be in steady denial of it 98% of the time, but that doesn’t make it any less true.