I’ve had a lovely lovely lovely day and I just want to write it down for the history books to remember.

crucialxvibes:

Realizing someone doesn’t love you anymore. Ow, it feels like crap.

I have had a real thinking-day today. Among else I’ve been listing behaviors that I want to develop, change or get rid of (such as being internet-obsessed and not being able to give myself enough positive encouragement), and I’ve been thinking a lot about eating. In particular, I’ve been thinking that maybe it doesn’t matter if you eat perfectly regularly or healthy, what you eat or when you eat, as long as it feels natural and as long as your eating doesn’t become an obstacle for how you want to live your life - because really, that is what it all will come to, in the end. How do I want to live my life? Do I want to spend time and energy obsessing about calories, hours, meal-plans, nutrition values and metabolism? Or do I want to spend that time on something worth while: studying physics, maths or french; reading good literature; spending time with someone I love; listening to music or singing; going for a walk if it’s beautiful weather; watching an amazing movie; making money/working; traveling; writing, etc.? That is the very core question. I can choose myself how and when and what I want to eat. If I wanted to, I could in this very now walk out in the kitchen and glug two nutritional drinks or open the freezer and armor myself with a spoon and eat right out of the package. Or I could choose to stop eating (but that would be a.) boring b.) devastating for my body and my health c.) devastating for my psyche d.) kind of fucked up and socially unaccepted etc. etc.). I can choose to start exercise excessively, or I can choose to just lay in bed all day. It is terrifying, these choices I have the power to make. But it is real. I need to realize it. If I want to ruin my life, I can do that, it’s only a matter of time. If I, on the other hand, want to live a better life, I can go ahead and get to work, because it will acquire work, it will acquire dedication. That’s another thing I need to come clear with; I will always have to work with myself, my self-image and my self-esteem, and I will always have to make efforts in order to get what I want - nothing comes served on a silver plate (or, well, for some it does, but it is rare, and in addition to that it often fuels bad character). 

Ah, it’s hard growing up, realizing that you’re in charge of your own happiness. Of course there are always contributing factors, there is always uphill struggle, to some extent. But it kind of is each and everyone’s responsibility to try to find ways to handle it. For me, I feel like I need to find role models who are better (than my parents) at doing so. I could really use some new acquaintances and friends and supporters, I should start networking.

Not much I can do about that tonight. I decided not to go to Kevin, Sofia and Emil’s birthday party, none of my friends were going and I don’t feel excited about it, unfortunately (I know that I will hate myself for not forcing myself to go in a near future). But that’s ok. It’s ok to relax, and it’s ok to not do what everyone else is doing.

It’s blowing up a storm but the sun is shining in through my window. 

Last night I didn’t get one single hour of sleep. Literally, I didn’t sleep all night. Hunger, nervousness, thoughts about the future, planning, planning, planning, worrying, something wrong with my ear, weird feeling in my leg, heart pounding very fast. Awful awful awful. My mother came in once when I lay there wailing 3 a.m, and she was helpful, though. Said that I needed to put my worries aside and just sleep, just let myself rest, and then use ten minutes in the morning to clear everything up. I didn’t really succeed in doing so, unfortunately, but I prepared my alarm clock and a text message for my boss and tried to breathe deeply.

Woke up, painted myself, ate sour milk with raspberries and stevia after a long while of dilly-dallying, felt happy (!) rode the bus to school, froze, hung out with my class, blah blah, ate lunch with my boss and had a deep conversation with her (I’m hereby unemployed but will get my job back in a month or so), met my headmaster and had a deep conversation with him (he is not a dick, in fact, he is very humble and perceptive, a good man), took a few bites of my apple, blah blah, wandered around in town with no purpose and felt moody (none of the clothes or things excited me) and kind of nostalgic at a restaurant which my daddy used to buy take-away from.

Wrote down affirmations in my notebook while riding the bus, froze even more, and felt happy for a tiny moment on my way home but kind of annoyed when I walked in the door. And now I’ve been texting with my best friend again and I feel anxious, but good about it. I got something of my chest, and I feel as if I managed to express myself in a way which I wanted. There’s some tension between me and my mother and I feel as if I just keep eating and eating but whatever, I couldn’t care less - I’m tired of living at a fraction of my own potential. I need to relax, I need to decide for myself how I want my life to be. I need to rebuild myself, my life, and first then I can start to develop it into something even better than what it used to be.